I sleep with a pair of scissors on my bed

Not sure why but I just do. I once had a cut that came from nowhere on the side of my stomach, I wonder if it was from the scissors. The cut took a loooong time to heal for some reason, maybe it got cut a bit deep but it didn’t hurt at all tho.

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Ontama udon with mushroom and eggplant tempura

To brighten things up, I’ll post some old food pics along the way. Gonna spam my blog with fEeLinGs again huehueheue. Avoid this post cause imma ramble and not even gonna put it under read more cause I want to decorate my blog with food pics HA. My blog my rules~

My mood is taking a dive again. The drawing spree for the past few days did distract me for a good while but man, once I stop I easily turn back to a ball of gloom and depression just like that.

Going back to random scissors talk pff– I seriously need to get rid of my scissors cause I can’t stop imagining harmful things with it on daily basis it’s getting to me too much at this point. Pff funny that the only thing stopping me right now is that I keep telling myself the blades are so unhygienic and disgusting hue.

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Beef short ribs with some banchan

I have started to talk again with my mother too recently, it did lift up my mood immensely somehow, and I started to open up to her more. I appreciate that she’s not focusing on the gloomy things right now, and focus on other lil small talks like what food do I want to eat and so forth to distract me from getting preoccupied with depressing thoughts. It’s weird how I was so not trustful with her not a long while ago, but now she’s the only one I can feel comfortable talking to. Maybe I’m just too desperate for human interaction pff who knows……… But she’s really trying to be supportive right now and that was quite a shock to me for some reason pff. Dang I don’t give her enough credits.

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Seafood spaghetti alfredo and garlic bread

Talking about credits tho.. She told me to use her credit card instead to buy things like food, books and stuff instead of using my own allowance pff. Among all 3 of us, I’m the only one hesitant to use my parents’ cards hue. I only bought some canned fruits with it in the end, still feels weird having to use someone else’s card. But then again my allowance is still my parents’ money tho pff. Goddammit me.

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Roast duck with uh…some sweet potato sauce or some reduction sauce shenanigan or something

I feel like I’m not really good at controlling my emotions. When I’m in a bad mood it really shows I think but I dunno pfff I don’t think people around me realize it, either that or they just ignore it sobs. This is very selfish and childish of me but I’ve always wanted people to notice for a bit when I really need a help. But who am I kidding, expecting such thing when I’m only giving out tiny bits of hints. Well pff I really don’t know meng, I’m fairly sensitive about this kind of stuff, I can sense a change in mood fairly easy when I see other people, so I just blindly assume people will do the same to me hue.

I wish I can open up to people easier than this meng. As much as I like to bottle up things just for the sake of convenience, I know that at times all I want is to just explode and burst out, and seek comfort from someone else.

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Satay with fried rice and sambal

I think for now, occupying myself with some activity like drawing or something really does help me forgetting the sad gloomy stuff. I’m not much of a talker, I don’t feel comfortable seeking help and stuff, so distractions etc might be the best way to deal with the gloomy thoughts. Also food pff, I’m a foodie at heart and good food never fail to cheer me up.

As much as I like food tho, for this past year I can’t stop feeling guilty when I eat. I discussed it with my therapy about this before and we didn’t end up reaching any conclusion for it. It’s not that I wanted to starve myself tho, it’s more about spending the money for it pff. I mean, I can’t cook and getting takeouts or eating out is not cheap at all. I really do want to stop feeling guilty about spending money to eat tho.

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Salmon and unagi don

Ok now that I get that all out, now move on to my happy place hue~

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I bought BTS albums a while ago huehue feels guilty spending money for food but not for BTS. I need my priorities straight pff. I only have their most recent album and its repackaged (WINGS and You Never Walk Alone) for now. Got a big poster of YNWA too, I want to put it up along with the photocards but I’m too lazy to properly set them all up for now. I’ll save up more for later to buy HYYH pt. 1, HYYH pt. 2, and Young Forever. When I have even more money saved up, I’ll buy the other editions of the albums. For now I can only afford one edition from each album. The collector within me is raging, it’s running within the family pff (sis with her games and figurines, my bro with his albums).

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For WINGS, I got N ver. cause I want Jimin(+Yoongi) photobook. Yes I’m a Jimin fan, no shame. I honestly want them all because as much as I love Jimin, ot7 is love ot7 is live, but this album has freaking 4 versions of the same albums with the members split up. I love BTS but I’m salty with this album sobs. One day I definitely will get W, I, and G versions too, but later in the future when I have so much money to spend pff. I especially want Taetae and Hobi’s version. Sunshine line biased here hue. I actually got V photocard along with this album, but I buy Jimin’s too online cause I love grandpa haired Jimin (second to black haired Jimin ofc). Meng, I want my album to get signed by BTS..

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For YNWA, I got pink version. Teal version is nice and all, the theme is soft and gentle, but after all consideration the pink wins for me. I love the confetti shots they have in pink ver. So colorful and playful aa. Got Jungkook photocard with this album, meng I got all the maknae line photocards. I need the hyung line too. Also got some bonus cards from the seller, thank you seller~

This was not a cheap purchase that’s for sure but I’m really happy with it (ended up eating weeks of instant noodles to compensate for this sobs…), no regrets pff. This is such a sappy thing to say but their songs are really helping me a lot right now. When was the last time I got touched by lyrics meng, I think it was back when I was still in vocaloid fandom. I hope for the best for these inspiring 7 boys. I hope they’re eating and sleeping well. I’m looking forward to their new album!

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Credit: Peach Punch
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